Recently I have been thinking about what exactly it is that I want to do as an artist and more generally I guess just as a person. I have such a hard time really paring down what it is that I want to contribute or become an expert in.
When I was in grad school I don't think I fully understood what my research was supposed to be. I didn't get it. I was so busy trying to figure myself out from the inside out that I forgot that it also works in reverse. Now that i have a little breathing room and don't feel quite as schizophrenic about the voices in my head I feel like I'm in a better place to begin letting things in again. I think I got really paranoid once I realized how easily influenced I was and as a result I got too scared to actively seek input from unfamiliar outside sources. I felt like I had a whole backlog of things to process and sift through in the hopes of getting them out of my system so that I could stop digesting all this old stuff and look for some new grist for the mill.
I still feel like I haven't come close to the kind of ambitious work I'd like to get to. I keep finding new levels to aspire to, new ways to tie more of my interests together. It feels really good to know I have more work to do.
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